He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
