Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
