i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
