We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
