i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize