No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
