I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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