nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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