At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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