Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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