yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
