disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
