New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
