The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
