well I can't set my house on fire every night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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