Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
