Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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