i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
