if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
