I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
