I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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