i love accidental penises.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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