what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
