I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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