I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
