Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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