A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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