well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You're like the curious george of whores
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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