you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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