that's an acceptable place to lick
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
