I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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