dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
