I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
