what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
