I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
