All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
