Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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