I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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