my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm passing your future prison.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
