You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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