I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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