if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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