When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
