low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
