You can't motorboat a personality
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
