No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
