Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
