Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
