I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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