oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
