You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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