Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
