but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
