OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
