She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
