I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
