did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
