i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
